


Beginning Again

by KawaiiBucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3274811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiBucky/pseuds/KawaiiBucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky had gone so long without seeing Steve. He had tried to rebuild his life and move on after he escaped HYDRA but it wasn't as easy as he had thought it would be and the loneliness was becoming unbearable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bucky's Life After

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very short chapter just to start the story and show everyone what is going on. I apologize for the length ;-; the next chapters will be better. Please go follow my tumblr: buckycakes.tumblr.com I promise that the next chapters will be longer :) also please feel free to ask for prompts or anything I am always free :D

3 years. It had been 3 years since he had left Steve laying on the side of that river.

Bucky had never felt so alone. Even when he had been a HYDRA puppet he felt like he had more life in him, and that is because he didn't have to feel, but now, 3 years since he had been released, and 69 years since he fell, Bucky felt more alone than ever. Adjusting to this new world had been scary and confusing. He didn't have the help that Steve had. Bucky had been to afraid to approach the Avengers for any help.

So Bucky had spent the last 3 years trying to adjust to normal society. He thought that it was going to be impossible, what with the metal arm and all, but he had found steady work as a security guard for the Smithsonian. The best part of his job was that he could see Steve everyday. Not in person, of course, but in the tribute exhibit that was dedicated to Steve and all the other Howling Commandos, him included. Lucky for Bucky, no one over thought that he was the same James Buchannan Barnes that was part of that same exhibit. They accepted it and gave him a job, complimenting that fact that he was the best guard they had ever had. This job of course came with perks; more money than Buck really knew what to do with, learning about the past that he had missed, and access to as much information about Steve that he could get to. The downside was the women.

In the past Bucky had been a bit of a womanizer. Now he avoided women like the plague. Here in the 21st century it was appropriate for him to access his true feelings. Bucky had always thought he was a bit.... different. All the dreams about Steve, and the quick inappropriate touches he had given himself before Steve came walking through the door, and all of the thoughts made Bucky finally come to a conclusion. He was gay. Back in the 30's and 40's he would have at the very least been brutally beaten for feeling this way. Here in the 21st century it was highly acceptable. It would be easier to enjoy this openness if the women would just leave him alone.

Bucky hated when he got like this. Over thinking would be the death of him and work was not the appropriate place to do it. Sighing lightly, Bucky started off on his route around the museum. He walked past the typical tourists, overzealous parents and their children who just didn't want to enjoy the museum. It was the daughters that Bucky couldn't stand. They were always dressed in clothes more appropriate for a bedroom than public. He hated it. Girls who decided that the only way to get attention was to wear as little clothes as they possibly could. He always felt the need to escape them and this time was no different. Huffing angrily, Bucky headed to the best part of the museum, Captain America's tribute. Cheering up a bit, he smiled when he saw the first painting of Steve. He stood there admiring the painting, when he heard a voice he hadn't heard in years.

"Bucky?"


	2. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve finally sit down and talk about some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is finally the second chapter! I will be updating as quick and often as possible! Thank you for reading. You guys are the best please please share with anyone who likes this kind of stuff!!

Freezing, Bucky kept staring at the picture of Steve in front of him.

"Buck? I know that you heard me," Steve said approaching with caution.

"Oh my god what is he doing here?," raced through Bucky's head.

He felt the need to run but realized that was extremely foolish of him. Steve was and had always been (at least after they gave him the serum) faster than him. Swallowing his fear, Bucky turned slowly, pulling his hat lower to cover his face.

"Buck. What-What are you doing here?," he heard Steve ask him, even though his voice sounded far away.

"I...I work here," Bucky heard himself reply in a tiny voice.

"Why are you here? I've worked here two years and I haven't seen you once," came tumbling out of Bucky's mouth, as he looked up from under his hat, his confidence building.

He didn't remember Steve being this beautiful... or large. He was entirely amerced in the man in front of him that Bucky didn't even hear Steve reply.

"Sorry... what?," Bucky said looking into the taller mans eyes.

"It doesn't matter what I said. Bucky I've looked every where for you. Why didn't you come to the tower? We-," Steve said, his voice on edge before he was interrupted.

"Not here. Look meet me here at 10 tonight," Bucky said, grabbing Steve's hand and writing down his address.

"Why am I doing this," was all that raced through his mind.

Turning quickly, he headed in the opposite direction of Steve.

"Oh... Okay see you," Bucky heard Steve yell after him as he disappeared around the corner and out of the line of sight.

Finding himself on the roof, Bucky fell to the ground and leaned his back against the nearest wall. He didn't cry. He wasn't even sure how to anymore. So Bucky say there choking back the pain and punching the ground.

"Why! Why," Bucky yelled before slamming his head against the wall.

Trying to avoid being caught during a panic attack, Bucky put himself in lock down. It was something he could still do even if it wasn't the most gentle experience on his brain.

Once he was settled, Bucky climbed down to the museum again. He spent the remainder of his shift ignoring the general population bustling around him.   
At 7 in the evening he clocked out and headed to his home. It was a 20 minute drive from the museum, enough time to snap back to himself; or at least the self from the past. The silly, dorky, but some how suave guy he had always been. Laughing softly, he pulled into the garage and headed into the house.  
Bucky loved that he was able to live alone. He didn't need anyone asking why he never slept, or constantly did research on World War Two and Captain America. He knew he didn't remember enough of the war, and research was the easiest way to do so. Really, Bucky could not remember much besides what had happened 3 years ago... and Steve. Bucky was always able to remember Steve.

Plopping down on the couch, he sighed softly and tried to analyze what he had done today.

"Steve is coming to my house," he said loudly looking around.

His house was... in better words... messy. Jumping up, Bucky spent the next two hours cleaning.

"Okay... Okay. Pizza. Yes pizza food is good," he said to himself once he realized how hungry he was.

About 20 minutes later there was a quiet knock at his door. Thinking it was his pizza, Bucky ran to the door. Opening it quickly he froze in his steps.

"Hi," Steve said shyly, his eyes lighting up.

"H-Hi," Bucky replied staring up at Steve.

He was in shock at the fact Steve had actually showed up.

"Can I come in?," Steve asked slowly biting his lip gently.

"Oh! Yeah sure. I thought you were my dinner. Sorry," Bucky could hear himself saying.

He was actually calm and the feeling was confusing to him. Following Steve into the house, he directed him to the couch. Smiling when Steve looked comfy, Bucky took the seat next to him.

"So... you came," he said, gently drumming his fingers against his knee.

"Yeah I did. I wanted to talk to you about- Bucky where the hell have you been?"

"Here. I've been here. Living here. Working here. Surviving here."

"Oh. I...I missed you," Steve whispered staring at the ground.

Bucky didn't know what to say and muttered "thank god," when the doorbell rang. Grabbing the pizza and paying for it, he headed to the kitchen and threw the pizza down on the counter. Placing his hands on the counter he sighed softly.

"Of course I missed you too you big idiot," Bucky said quietly to himself.

"You did?," he heard loudly in response.

Bucky jumped and turned, his face flushing bright red.

"Oh shit. I...I got pizza for us," he said, always quick to respond when nervous.

Grabbing a slice of pizza and a plate, Bucky tried to head into the living room. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder.

"Buck. Don't run from me."

"Stevie I just wanna go sit down. Let go. Punk," He replied, a small smile forming on his face.

"Fine. Jerk," Steve chuckled out, running his hand across the back of Bucky's neck.

The shiver that shot down his spine caused a small whimper to escape Bucky's lips and he walked away as quickly as he could.

"Fuck. Fuck me," Bucky thought to himself tossing his pizza on the table and throwing his metal arm over this eyes.

"Buck. That can't be good for your head," Steve smiled, walking into the room and sitting down next to him.

"Well you always said I had a hard head," Bucky replied looking at Steve from under his arm.

"So. Are we gonna talk?"

"No. I'm going to eat," Bucky replied sitting up and eating his pizza.

They sat and ate in silence, Bucky's mind racing the entire time. Finishing he turned to look at Steve.

"Okay. I can... Maybe I can talk to you now. What do you need to know?"

"Where have you been? What have you been doing? How-How are you feeling? How did you get a house and all this stuff?"

"I told you already. I've been here. Working at the museum. That's how I got this place and all this stuff. I mostly guard over your exhibit, our exhibit. I work, research and watch tv. And I am fine. Better than I could have hoped for. Watching the only person you've ever loved almost die snaps you into reality," he finished, running his fingers through his hair.

Bucky sighed softly realizing what he just said.

"Fuck. Me."

"I've always wanted to," Bucky caught Steve mutter.

"I'm-What did you say?"

"You heard that?"

"It's me. I hear everything."

"Bucky," Steve said turning and looking at him, "Give me your hand."

"Which one?," was all he could say, looking down at the flesh and metal hands sitting in his lap.

"Either one it's your choice. So I don't care."

Reaching over, Bucky grabbed Steve's hand with his flesh hand.

"I can't feel you with my metal. It doesn't... feel," Bucky sighed softly feeling embarrassed.

Steve softly started running his thumb over Bucky's skin.

"James Buchannan Barnes. I have spent the last three years looking for you. Everyone told me to just give up and move forward. But you are my forward. I will say this once and I will either leave or I will stay here for as long as you want me to. I love you. No. I am hopelessly in love with you. I have been forever. All I have wanted to do since we were children was to love you. Kiss you. Be with you. But you didn't notice me. That was fine by me. I'm used to be alone and ignore and any attention you gave me was enough. But not anymore. Bucky. I need you. Do you... feel the same?," Steve finished squeezing Bucky's hand softly.

"I... Um," was all that Bucky managed to choke out.

"He just-Bucky fucking say something. I... what do I say," Bucky was screaming at himself internally.

Externally, he couldn't speak or move.

"Okay. Goodbye," Steve said, an edge of sadness to his voice.

As he walked to the door, Bucky finally snapped to reality and ran after Steve catching him at the door. Grabbing Steve's arm, he spun him around and pinned him to the door.

"Steve. You are... everything. I didn't want you to find me or the other way around in the beginning because I was destroyed. But. I am me now. Or as much me as I can be. And if you need to know. You have been all I've wanted since I first saw you. I can only now show you how I feel because you're here. And it is this," was the last thing that Bucky said before pressing his lips to Steve's. 

It was warm and the greatest feeling Bucky had experienced. They stood there, drinking in the kiss, hands roaming down arms and across chests, before Bucky pulled away.

"I love you."

That was Steve needed to hear before picking Bucky up and carrying him upstairs to the master bedroom. They were overly exhilirated and every touch was fire buring under the skin. Lips roaming over all parts of each others bodies, fingers roaming and hands undressing. Falling into a rhythm, Bucky found himself buried hip deep inside of Steve, the moans eascaping both of them and the friction enough to throw them both over the edge. Pulling out and falling down next to Steve, Bucky turned on his side to look at the man next to him.

"So... What now?," Bucky chuckled out.


	3. You Can't Help Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky snaps and is afraid of what is going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize ahead of time if this chapter is all over the place. I was so excited to write it! I love it and I hope you do too!

"What now?," Steve repeated moving to look at the ceiling, his hand absentmindedly tracing circles on Bucky's side.

Bucky sighed softly, afraid of everything in this moment. The thoughts of Steve leaving him again rushing through his mind.

"Buck? Talk to me. Please," Steve said in a whimper.

Bucky looked over at Steve and suddenly all he could see was the little boy he had protected all his life.

"Stevie. Baby boy stop. I thought that this was going to be the other way and you were going to have to sit here and comfort me but instead it's going to be me again," he blurted out climbing on top of Steve and gently caressing his face with his only good hand, "I love you. I loved you when you were tiny and I love you now that you are a giant. But I can't... God Steve I just can't. I'm still suffering and I can't cause you pain as well. Steve. I will hurt you. I can't control me. My arm. My brain. I barely remember who I am sometimes. And if I hurt you because of that. I will never... never forgive myself," Bucky finished before climbing off of Steve.

Grabbing his clothes off the floor, Bucky ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. This was the most childish thing he had done since Steve came home and found him playing with himself when they were children.

Moving to the sink, he stared at himself in the mirror and couldn't figure out what Steve or anyone for that matter could see in him. He refused to cut his hair (other than the rough trims he gave it himself to keep it as his shoulders), he only shaved once a week so he always looked rough, and because he couldn't sleep his eyes always looked... dull and lifeless. In all practical terms Bucky thought he resembled a corpse. Then there was Steve.

Every time that he looked at Steve all Bucky could think of was a Greek god. He was tall, blonde, blue eyed, and muscular. Beyond muscular. And the most beautiful thing that Bucky had seen. Not to add that Steve had the most amazing heart and soul. So Bucky didn't deserve him at this point and wasn't sure that he should even go fight.

"Fuck!," Bucky shouted slamming his metal fist into the mirror and shattering it.

"Bucky?! Are you okay?!," Steve yelled running to the door and shaking the knob.

"Steve go away. I will hurt you right now I can't.... Go downstairs now. Right now. Don't be there when I open the door," Bucky shouted back, shaking his head repeatedly trying to keep from snapping back to the past... and he was failing.

Biting his inner cheek to suppress a yell, Bucky tossed himself down onto the cool floor and laid there. The cold usually calms him and keeps him from panicking. It was going so well, and the minute it starts to get to emotional he snaps.

"God I need him," he felt himself say aloud as he slowly closed his eyes and faded away.

 

A few hours later, Bucky found himself cradled in Steve's lap, a cold wash cloth resting on his face and Steve softly rocking him.

"Geez. I'm not a baby. You don't need to rock me."

"Bucky! Honey you're awake. You were passed out on the floor. I had to bust the door open. Your heart rate was 103 I thought you were having a heart attack."

"My heart rate is always high. It's part of what they did to me. I pass out a lot. I don't know why," was the reply Bucky gave scrambling out of Steve's lap and jumping up stretching his arms and legs.

"You kept saying my name."

"Yeah I do that."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter Steve," Bucky replied walking out of the living room and into the kitchen.

"You were opening up to me and something happened and you stormed into the bathroom," Steve said, his voice tiny as he followed into the kitchen.

"I was there. I know what happened," Bucky snapped back staring out the kitchen window into the light of the new rising sun.

"What is wrong with you?"

"This is who I really am. This is me. If you want to stick around fine but you need to deal with mood swings. I am angry. All of the time. 12 hours a day. I am only nice for 3. So if you are willing to sit around and deal with my fucking anger then fine. I have a spare room. You can sleep in there. Now goodnight. I have to go research," Bucky stormed out of the room not looking at Steve and walked into his room slamming the door.

"I'm sure he sleeps and does human things," Bucky laughed aggressively, grabbing a book off his nightstand.

Staring at the book, Bucky couldn't even read it. Throwing it against the wall, he jumped out of bed and threw on his jogging clothes making sure that he covered the metal arm.

"I doubt that this will help but fuck it," he thought to himself as he ran out the front door.

Running didn't help always but it kept him focused on something other than the sheer anger that rushed through his body. He hated people, he hated his job, he hated Steve. No he didn't hate Steve. He hated that Steve was more adjusted than he was.

"I should be happy. I should be adjusted. I should be the normal one. Not a fucking freak," rushed through Bucky's head as he ran up to the front door of his house dreading going inside.

Pushing the door open, Bucky walked in as quietly as he could. Stepping into the living room he looked from right to left and didn't see Steve. Heading into the kitchen, he froze when he found the note on the table. Sitting down he started to read:

  
"Hey Buck. I didn't want to leave. But I need some advice on how to handle you and this situation and the only person I can think of to help me is Tony. So I'm going to the Tower in New York. I'll be back in a couple days. Regardless if you want me here or not I will be at your door in a couple days. I am in love with you and you aren't going to get rid of me this easily. Sorry. If you need me call. I can send Natasha. I think that she knows you. Or at least she thinks she does. Please. Don't be afraid of me. I am not afraid. I love you."

The letter was enough and for the first time in his life Bucky cried. Crumpling the letter he tossed it across the room and slammed his head down on the table tears rushing down his face.

"Pull yourself together you fucking idiot and go to him," Bucky yelled at himself.

Sitting up, he wiped his eyes and headed for his room. Before reaching it, however, he passed what was supposed to be Steve's room. Pushing the door open, he stared at the bare room.

"I should buy him furniture. Wait not now Buck. Get your ass to fucking New York," he yelled at himself slamming the door and heading into his room.

Packing quickly, he headed down to the garage and jumped in his car heading for the train station.

"God I hate trains," he laughed to himself staring at his ticket and waiting on the platform, all he could think of was his fall. The fall. The fall that turned him into a monster.

Once the train arrived, Bucky jumped on and hid in the back corner, his baseball cap pulled as far down over his eyes as he could so that no one would talk to him.

Arriving at the station, he climbed out of the subway, and out on to the streets of New York.

"To many. To many fucking people," he muttered to himself.

Grabbing his phone from his pocket, he sent a text to the number he had for Steve:

"I'm in New York. Central Park by our lake. Please come get me."

Heading for Central Park, he found a bench by the water and he waited for a reply. 10 minutes later his phone chimed.

"I'll be there soon."


End file.
